Breaking News/Archive/022008
Africa May Actually Exist! The existence of Africa may have been confirmed with the news that "The George Bush Motorway" is being built there! ACCRA, GHANA, February 25, 2008-- For years skeptics have poo-pooed the idea that a place called "Africa" existed even in the vast imagination that is "literature" or Hollywood. But word has it that Africa may in factiness be real and that it may contain a sub-section (or country) called Ghana within which a road is being built called "The George Bush Motorway"! This monument to The Greatest President Ever is being funded by the American taxpayer and is certainly proof that America is not planning on building military bases in "Africa", instead America is building roads in Africa (now that it exists)! The roads are being built to help with the transport of food and medical aid to people who have proven their need for such items. There is also a clause in the aid program which specifically states that at no time are the roads to be used for military operations. The George Bush Motorway will be a six-lane superhighway that will stretch from the capitol of Ghana, Accra to another place to be determined. It is dedicated to The Greatest President Ever for his "many kind gestures". Liberals should be so grateful! When asked why liberals are so hateful and work so hard to deny the great works (no matter how small) of every Great American™, Angelina Jolie started mouthing off about her next movie role and how aid of any kind prevents people from bettering themselves. Even if it is for Africa. ### Homosexuals Bash John McCain thanked his "honey" out loud and on America's TV.]] In a blatant attack on the award-winning soldier and Senator from Arizona, Hollywood Homos use their time on America's airwaves to attack Our Troops. HOLLYWOOD, CAULIFLOWER, February 24, 2008-- In their annual assault on American Values™, Hollywood's Academy of NAMBLA Pictures has awarded the following "alternative" lifestyles for special recognition: # French womanhood # Mexicanness # unmarried pregnant teenhood # a warbling team of a drunken Irishman and a pollock But, the greatest offense was directed against the presumptive nominee for President, Senator, war hero and a still very, very virile John McCain. With the announcement that the movie "No Country For Old Men" was the "best picture" of the year, Hollywood used their annual television awards show to hypnotize Americans into believing America would not elect an old man. "Americans will not stand idly by as a great American hero, such as John McCain is mocked by a bunch of cut and running, fancy pansters," an unnamed new staffer for the McCain campaign whispered ever so delicately to Wikiality.com, "By insinuating that a fictional movie with such a hateful name represents American Values™ is the lowest form of misrepresentation, ever. I feel like starting a lynching party." Members of the RNC have demanded investigations by the FCC (into misuse of America's airwaves), the SEC (for donating the cost of the entire ceremony to electing that mooslim guy) and with the FBI for a possible hate crime against the elderly. "America as a country that doesn't support old men? Nothing is further from the truth. America is and always has been a country that looks to her old men for guidance and protection," a freshly pressed Fred Thompson said before going back to his nap. When asked to defend of his liberal commrades, Michael Moore tried to eat this reporter's microphone. ### Nader Announce Run February 24, 2008--Nader announced his 2008 election campaign for the Presidency of the United States of America on February 24th as a third party candidate. Having been the Consumerism, Laborism, and Environmentalism advocate, his announcement brought cheers from the people against predatory lending, job outsourcing, and pollution who have been sleeping for the last 7 years. However, almost immediately, various America-hating liberal groups speculate on the potential for spoilage and complained about the perceived 2000 spoiler candidate. Clap, Clap, Point Point Woman and The Mooslim Candidate quickly "dismissed" him while defending his rights in a democracy. Since Nader is left of the Democrats, his campaign would likely to affect the Democrat more if Obama was the nominee and less if Clinton was the nominee. This is because Obama has the left-wing of the Democrat Party after Edwards dropped from the race of the nomination. How will this affect the decision of the superdelegates is yet unknown, but his announcement should have no effect on the primaries. At the very least, McCain will no longer be the oldest guy in the race. For more information, please visit Ralph Nader Related News Ralph Nader hires former Paultards to wikilobby "favorable" notices about him and his tired candidacy believing anyone on the Internets would be impressed that one more web tube has Nader's name on it. America Invaded by Serbian Nationalist AMERICAN EMBASSY, February 21st, 2008--After America supported the unilateral independence of Kosovo, the American embassy was attacked by Serbian Ultra-Nationalist numbered in the thousands. An unidentified person working in the embassy was killed in the attack after they smashed their way into the building armed with stones, steel bars, and bottles. American embassy is American soil. Attacking American soil is an act of war. Killing a person on American soil with exploding alcohol bottle is act of terrorism. President Bush is expected to declare war on Serbian Ultra-Nationalist as part of his War On Terror. Americans can expect American Troops to deploy in hunting those Serbian Terrorist by April. America, England, and Germany supported the unilateral declaration of independence by Kosovo. Countries with their own separatism problems, such as Canada, China, Russia, Spain, etc. has not supported Kosovo. NATO was split on the issue. No clear specific commands can be given to the NATO troops stationed there. God Takes Away Moon In Reaction To McCain-Sex Story Published By New York Times The Heavenly Father speaks through his Chosen Candidate, Mike Huckabee, warning America not to believe the lies from the liberal media THE GOOD PART OF LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS, February 20, 2008-- Within hours after publishing a story attacking an All-American candidate for Leader of the Free World™, The Creator of The Universe removed America's Moon from the sky, Mike Huckabee revealed to His Favored Children during a hastily assembled press conference. "The Lord has spoke unto me," Mike Huckabee said, swaying hypnotically from behind a podium, "to reveal His disappointment in our misuse of His Gifts. Mankind has suffered the burden of Eve's sin of reading from The Tree Of Journalism, and the New York Times continued this affront today with this story about Senator McCain." Hundreds of unnamed White House staff members, campaign managers for other candidates and pundits reported to Wikiality.com that they all agreed that The Times' story was the reason behind the loss of the Moon and urged Congress to pass The Greatest President Ever's Protect America Act of 2007 in order to please God and bring the moon back. When asked to comment on her sins, Nancy Pelosi insisted that she still won't pass the law, claiming that God did not make the moon disappear, and that it will come back in a few hours because it was only an eclipse. No word yet if Bill O'Reilly will comment on Speaker Pelosi's blasphemy. ### California Student Abuses Sacred Journalistic Trust! The editor of a local high school newspaper has America in an uproar after dedicating entire issue to the filthiest, filthiest place on Earth! RESEDA, CALIFORNIA, February 17, 2008-- It came without warning. Nothing about the coming day could have prepared decent Americans everywhere outside California of the impending doom. As the morning sun penetrated through the smog, California would whelp yet another new menace on America's innocence. Providing exactly the type of aid and comfort to the terrorists that can easily be prevented by the election of Mike Huckabee, or, failing that, John McCain. :"It was like a travelogue through hell," cried an unnamed parent, "it had more details than a Penthouse Forum letter!" School administrators, city, county and state representatives and local law enforcement officials called an emergency meeting to deal with the threat. The Greatest President Ever was even considering calling Department of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff, to raise the terror level to one level above the one it's at now. :"No student who is not married should be allowed to view that paper" concerned citizens shouted into their phones at the radio, "someone must think of the children, Will someone think of the children?!" Help Is On The Way As America wanders aimlessly, stunned by this latest assault, a powerful voice offers a beacon of light through this dark time, former Colorado pastor, Ted Haggard will serve penance by taking this challenge head on, so to speak. Mr. Haggard has asked that all Americans follow Normal Biblical Procedures, not because he hates the hoohaa, but because no American should ever have that filthy, filthy word on their lips, so to speak. Mr. Haggard stated that the time he spent recovering from his recent infirmities has embolden him for this new period in his life, a time when America has a gaping hole where her morality should be. :"I ask that Americans approve government-sponsored school prayer, denounce evolution in science class and abstain from images, music, TV shows, movies or thoughts even remotely related to those kinds of activities in any form," Mr. Haggard pleaded, "our very Christian values depend on absolute strict adherence to the one true literal interpretation of the Bible." Mr. Haggard also added that no one threatened him or forced him to make any statements against the hoohaa, and making such statements do not make him gay, but a good Christian, who wants only what is best for America. ### Super Bowl Ends In Multiple Lawsuits Between Patriots, Disney Corporation And Giants Following the New York Giant's 17-14 upset win over the New England Patriots, Wikiality.com has learned lawsuits have been filed against both teams and against the Disney Corporation in federal court THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH, AMERICA, February 4, 2008-- Watching members of the winning team shouting, "I'm going to Disneyland!™" after winning the Super Bowl has become as much a part of the game's tradition as wardrobe malfunctions and sexual innuendo have. But the 2008 game between the 18-1 New England Patriots and the winning New York Giants has started a new tradition, the post-game lawsuits. Wikiality.com has learned that the Disney Corporation had arranged the shout out with New England quarterback, Tom Brady as far back as Week 10. According to Patriot's team lawyers, after watching the Patriots lose, Disney representatives then tried to get Giant's quarterback, Eli Manning to recite the shout out, clearly violating the contract between the Patriots and Disney. To prevent this breach of contract, Patriot's coach, Bill Belichick diverted attention away from the game with his unsportsmanlike desertion of his team with two seconds remaining to play in regulation. As FOX television announcers tried to make sense of the goings-on and promote the upcoming episode of House, everyone forgot that the shout out had not occurred. Within moments, Patriot's team lawyers sued Disney for a breach of contract, then Disney sued the Giants for winning the game. When asked his opinion on the situation, Rudy Giuliani refused to comment. ###